Category: Paul’s Poop

So for the first time in about 2 months, I acksually (lolcat) made it on time to a staff meeting.  You know what?  They haven’t changed because the idiots that drone on about what they are currently doing/not-doing/touching/not-touching/pooping/not-pooping/eating/not-eating and whatever other verbs you can throw in there, are still droning on about nothing.  So wow, I made it on time just to be bored poopless and reading FML, messing around with WoW armory, laughing at LOLCats, and reading facebook on my iPhone.  So I wasn’t that bored but I really wasn’t getting much out of the meeting either.

Good news is that I haven’t gotten an email telling me to go take my blood pressure today.  Nurse Debbie is out of the office today if I’m lucky then she’ll be hit by a truck this afternoon.

We’ve been having mainframe issues lately because of <insert random technical explanation here that no one cares about>.  What is humorous about it is that fact things run fine for one business area (1) <because of stupid technical issue A> and doesn’t run well for business area (2).  So hilarity ensues when they get in to a retard slapfight because they have no idea what is going on behind the scenes and give you the puppy-dog confused look when you try to explain to them what is going on.  I’m pretty sure that I lose IQ points just by sitting in the office.  It is like the stupidity aura noms your brain until you can’t do anything but try to clap your hands together.

But the best part about all of this is that I’m not mad, irritated, or give the slightest of shit.  I’m happy to collect my paycheck and (silently) point and laugh.  It seems that my career isn’t going to give me the slightest bit of fulfillment so I’ll just have to make sure Lucas gets to be a teenager and can hate my guts so I can give him a hard time (like showing NAKED baby pictures to his prospective girlfriends) and have real meaning to my life <evil_overlord>MUHAHAHAHA</evil_overlord>.

That I told Ally’s Mom to just go ahead and don’t be afraid to wake her up at 12:30 PM when she had to leave. Really? Did I say that to her Mom? I didn’t mean for that to sound as stupid as it did. I’m pretty sure that Ally’s Mom can wake Ally up whenever she pleases. Of course, I’m sure she’ll get the same reaction that I would get but as her Mom she gets that privilege.

Also, thanks for being the Bestest Aunt (Grandma) to Lucas and watching Drooly McDroolPants.

And last but not least — http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D99ECQSG0&show_article=1 — for when I ship Jasmine to Siberia then I at least know she will travel in style.

Found on an internet forum as someone’s signature line:

I’m not a complete idiot… some parts are still on backorder.

1. How MJ helped the Obama stimulus package…

Michael Jackson is a shovel-ready project.

2.  From the silly-joke pile…

I hear MJ will be recycled as a plastic bag. He’ll be just like he was in life: White, plastic, and unsafe for children.

1.  Holy poop, if we get another robo tele-marketer call then I may disconnect the land line.  At least when it was a real person then you could get satisfaction by hanging up on him or making him/her really uncomfortable.  And I’m pretty sure I signed up for the national no-call list.  Thanks for nothing President Bush/Obama/Alien Overlord, whoever.

2.  I still hate my job but I’ve made peace (reese pieces, lol wut?) with the fact that unless I sleep with the CEO’s wife, slap his family, and kick his dog in the testicles that you really can’t get fired.  I will take the perks of my job – working from home, decent benefits, and no expectations that you’d actually do work and deal with it.  It also helps that I can code faster than 99% of the people at my job.  I know that this sounds really arrogant but I mean in it a way that my previous jobs required me to code faster.  Because ya know, they had deadlines and didn’t like to be late on every project.  So I guess I should say that I work at a faster pace because previous jobs made me not because I’m any good.  Okay, that just made me sound retarded.  Might as well stick with that sentence then.

3.  Just to let everyone know that my blood pressure (because work makes me take it) is 118/79.  That is pretty good especially for a person whose Mom has hypertension.  I also never knew that high blood pressure over time hardens the walls of your arteries which is bad.

4.  Bad Michael Jackson joke that Matt told me…

When Farrah Fawcett got to heaven Saint Peter told her that she gets one wish for the world…

She said, “Keep the children safe.”

Then Michael Jackson died…

I was only 45 minutes late for our weekly staff meeting today…

I’ll try to get it to 30 minutes next week. Any progress is some progress, right?

The angry tooter?

I emptied out my cube last Wednesday because I hate having anything that identifies me at work.  I figure when they either fire me for calling someone an idiot or lay me off because they vastly underestimated the severity of the recession; I won’t have to tote 15 boxes to the car and take the walk of shame 15,000 times.  Enough with all these wonderful thoughts…

Lucas managed to sleep 4-5 hours in between feedings yesterday and going by what I remember only fed about 6-7 times yesterday.  He was able to eat 4-5 ounces at each feeding which is a good thing for everyone.  As much fun as it is to get up every 2-3 hours and feed him, it’ll be nice to get a little more uninterrupted sleep.  SO KNOCK ON WOOD.  KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

Additionally, the current recipe for getting Lucas to sleep:  Swaddle him tight enough that he can’t flail his arms and legs.  Give him a pacifier.  Check for additional crying.  If crying then make sure swaddle cuts off circulation to his brain.  Next, check if he wants some more food.  If no more food then check for wet/poopie diaper.  Next, re-swaddle and place in bouncer with pacifier.  This works;  for now.