Valentine

This morning i took valentine to the vet cause she was looking a little bloated. they took an xray and it turns out half of her abdomen is full of cancer and she needs to be put down asap. i knew this was coming cause shes 16 years old (A cats lifespan is average of 15-17 years), but i thought when i found out she was sick thered be a slow process over months or something. i didnt think the day i realised she was sick was the day she would have to be put down. i couldnt bare to do it all so suddenly, so i took her home with me. but i need to bring her back sometime this week to have her put down. we just lost her sister last year and now shes dying too and its really really horrible. i was really upset that i was in london when steph took frisky in cause i didnt get to say goodbye. but on the other hand, frisky was dead before i even knew about it so in a way it was easier. its like how can *i* be the one to decide when valentine dies? its not right for me to choose the day she dies and to *know* that this is the last day i have with her. paul thinks we should take her tomorrow. which is Valentines Day. somehow i like the idea of doing it on valentines day cause then its like the day is for *her* instead of st valentine. but i dont know if i can deal with today being my last day with her. im having so much trouble with dealing with this. i cant bare the idea of letting her go. im also trying to figure out how i want to do it. the vet said i can go in with her when they put her to sleep. i know theres no way i could handle that. she said some people stay while they put her under anesthesia but not for the actual shot to put her to down. i dont htink i could do that either. do i even want to carry her in to the vet? do i want to stay home and watch paul take her away? i dont know what to do. i really cant handle any of this. every time i think about it i start crying and my chest tightens and i feel anxious.

One thought on “Valentine

  1. I’m sorry to hear about Valentine. It’s hard when you have grown so used to having an animal around. If you need anything let us know.

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