Valentine

This morning i took valentine to the vet cause she was looking a little bloated. they took an xray and it turns out half of her abdomen is full of cancer and she needs to be put down asap. i knew this was coming cause shes 16 years old (A cats lifespan is average of 15-17 years), but i thought when i found out she was sick thered be a slow process over months or something. i didnt think the day i realised she was sick was the day she would have to be put down. i couldnt bare to do it all so suddenly, so i took her home with me. but i need to bring her back sometime this week to have her put down. we just lost her sister last year and now shes dying too and its really really horrible. i was really upset that i was in london when steph took frisky in cause i didnt get to say goodbye. but on the other hand, frisky was dead before i even knew about it so in a way it was easier. its like how can *i* be the one to decide when valentine dies? its not right for me to choose the day she dies and to *know* that this is the last day i have with her. paul thinks we should take her tomorrow. which is Valentines Day. somehow i like the idea of doing it on valentines day cause then its like the day is for *her* instead of st valentine. but i dont know if i can deal with today being my last day with her. im having so much trouble with dealing with this. i cant bare the idea of letting her go. im also trying to figure out how i want to do it. the vet said i can go in with her when they put her to sleep. i know theres no way i could handle that. she said some people stay while they put her under anesthesia but not for the actual shot to put her to down. i dont htink i could do that either. do i even want to carry her in to the vet? do i want to stay home and watch paul take her away? i dont know what to do. i really cant handle any of this. every time i think about it i start crying and my chest tightens and i feel anxious.